I have been in a funk since all the things that happened in May. Yes, I am slowly digging myself out of the hole, but hitting another landmark birthday recently (on that same day, my birthday, my father-in-law had a heart attack, he is OK), and now having a horrible backache with the pain shooting down my legs and actually numbing my toes does not really help either. You heard the saying “two steps forward, one step back,” or is it “one step forward, two steps back?” I just hope it is the former, not the latter. Interesting fact here the “f” in former stands for first (now get your mind out of the gutter) and the “l” in latter stands for last of the two choices. I had to look this up and here I learned something today.
However, the pain in my back was so bad that I actually begged my wife to kill me. Thank goodness, we do not own a weapon that could easily accomplish such a task. Moreover, while I would be out of my misery, her misery would just begin after a mercy killing like that. But all the sudden I realize that here we have hit a number of issues in this short essay including euthanasia, writing, gun control, sickness, depression; I could really be off to the races with any of these subjects. I could even combine them. I guess that is why the advice was to just start writing and see where you end up.
Sitting at the doctor’s office with this wonderful back of mine, I was confronted with my mortality. There were only three other folks in the waiting room. On one side of me was a young woman, who I overheard, thanks to my newly acquired hearing aids (a sign of old age and lots of rock music), was telling the receptionist that she was born in 1997. A quick calculation told me that she must be 22 or 23, a fresh young green leaf (she did not look ill). Across from me was an older couple, much older than I am, the woman of the couple could hardly walk in, complaining that she was burning up and very sick. She looked like a leaf ready to fall off the tree. This past week I am not sure where I was in the season of leaf development.
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| One wonders so now and then: at what stage of life are you, and from what angle will the wind blow and how hard will it blow and can you hang on? |
Also in the waiting room, I was threatened with a 2013 article in BizNews that had the following headline: “Retire at 55 and live to 80; work till you’re 65 and die at 67. Startling new data shows how work pounds older bodies.” I guess, I already (for the first time in all these years) admitted to being old in this post. Actually, I just turned 66 and if you are a regular reader, you know that I am not retired. Does this mean I have less than a year to live? I hope not. However, if these posts stop all the sudden, you know what happened to me: my time was up.
Honestly, my mortality does not keep me awake at night. What keeps me up lately are my back and things I am working on at work, like course design. But, death is not one of them. I know it is going to end one of these days, and hopefully I have at least 20 more years. I would like to leave a legacy, with my teaching, my thinking, my writing, and maybe with some of my photographs (sorry, I am not wealthy). I know that I cannot take anything with me; moreover, when I am dead, I am dead. I do not believe in an afterlife, a heaven or a hell. I believe that we better create our heaven here on earth, and leave a livable heavenly earth behind for our children and grandchildren, something a lot of folks seem to forget. One thing is for sure, the earth's environment might be ruined if we don't do anything about it quickly. We cannot just sit, lean back any longer, take a wait and see attitude, wondering what will happen.
Reading the book "Braiding Sweetgrass" by Robin Wall Kimmerer, I came to an interesting passage comparing the Judeo-Christian "Eve" and the Native American "Skywoman." Both are seen as the founding mothers of their respective religions. While Skywoman was sent to plant it and tend to it, creating a wonderful environment for her descendants. Eve, on the other hand, was sent in exile from the Garden of Eden for eating from the forbidden fruit, the fruit of knowledge. I never looked at it that way, I always thought of it more like the attitude of Francis Bacon and man's dominance over the natural world. Instead, according to Kimmerer, for Judeo-Christians it is more like who gives a crap about this world, I want to go back to the Garden of Eden or maybe that's called heaven. Who cares if we fuck up this world, this is exile country, we don’t belong here. An interesting view on religion and environmentalism, isn’t it?
Oh well, here we are back to one of the subjects dear to my heart: protecting the world, the environment, for that 22 or 23 year old "green leaf" in the doctor's office, so she can enjoy it for another 60 years, and for her children after that. But at times it is so hard to see that we are making any headway (two steps back). Having a president who claims we have the best climate and best environment in the world, knowing all too well that the air quality has deteriorated over the past two years thanks to his policies and the EPA turning back environmental regulations.
All I can say my friends is: welcome to my brain (if you ever want to send me a hat to protect it: size extra-large) and my often non-linear way of thinking. This is how I sometimes connect the dots, especially when it is somewhat clouded by muscle relaxants, my mortality and the mortality of others around me. If you wonder about the time you wasted on reading this blog, don't worry, the next one will be more on subject.
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