I am not sure if I had a lot of ambition when I was working. Maybe not like others, but I did have a desire to achieve things. I always believed in down time, to relax and recharge. My brother, who I have not interacted with for at least 10 or so years had an amazing drive or ambition. He wanted to become a pilot, and that is what he eventually achieved. He tried to instill the same ambition in his two kids. I know that he looked down on me for what and who I am. So much so that every time we visited with him, I had the hear him tell us how successful and rich he was, compared to me. My brother told me that when I visited and they invite guest over, that they told the other guest to dress down, because I was only a jeans guy, had no class, and would feel out of place when they would come dressed the way they regularly do when socializing. While the saying tells us that the clothes make the man, comfort and my disdain of status permitted me to dress as comfortable as possible and while we may not be able to match them and their rich friends, we are pretty darn well of. Moreover, my international work taught me that we all put on our pants one leg at the time, and fuck status, I often had to communicate with the folks in the village and could not dress like a fashion model, that would hurt my credibility. While visits to my brother upset me at times, it was really upsetting to my wife. I was able to accept him who he pretended to be. But when you treat my wife like shit and every time we visited she left crying because of their treatment of us, I hope you can imagine what led the eventual split between me and my brother.
I may have had very few true ambitions during my entire life, unless enjoying life and learning from it can be called an ambition. If so, I am one of the best. When we were working and living in Yemen, our work days were from 7 am. to 2 pm. Lunch was a 2 and then I usually took a nap. We would then often work in the yard around our home for the rest of the afternoon, or I would work on my 1964 Land Rover. But, we probably had the best landscaped area of the three homes on the compound. My colleagues had drive and would go back to the now empty office or work at home on project related items after hours. They resented me for keeping to the official work hours. I needed to recharge and spend time with my wife who wasn't working.
No, I am not perfectly balanced even after all the self-care I just detailed. I have had my depressive moods, but I have come out of those. I sometimes wonder if minor depressions were seasonal or tied to other life stages (I have been unemployed a few times in the past).
I think that I have been happier these past few years than any other time of my life. It has been nature, forest bathing, biking, being outside in the yard, with my bonsai, or on the water where my spirits were lifted. I just needed to fully experience life around me. I can really just sit around and stare into infinity and not do anything but think. It is my form of meditating. Do I feel guilty doing that? Not one bit, well maybe after ten or so minutes it sometimes feels like I need to do something. But my motto now is: No more ambition but experience and love life to the fullest since I have no idea how much of it is left!
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| A photograph I took sitting in the backyard doing nothing. Just enjoying nature and our almost completed fence (it is done now and a report will follow soon). I often site in the Adirondack chairs and either just stare at the trees or work on my bonsai. Very relaxing! |
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