Gaslighting (8/3/2018)

Wow, one of those verbs I never thought I would write a blog post about. But is seems to become a more commonly used word. So common that my wife told me the other day: “You are trying to gaslight me.” Thanks goodness she was using it more tongue in cheek, but boy we have come a long way, that we use this in our common intercourse between people.  (Warning for those of you expecting one of my regular blog posts, this one is a bit more political than others, so be forewarned! )

Where does the term come from? Gaslighting comes from a play “Gas Light” which was made into the 1944 movie “Gaslight.” In this movie a husband tries to convince his wife that she is insane by trying to change little things around her and trying to convince her she is just imagining it. He did this trying to save his ass after murdering the lady in the upstairs apartment. Not that I am that old, but I remember watching it. It seems that “gaslighting” came into vogue as a term in the 1960s to describe efforts to manipulate someone's perception of reality. 

From the movie "Gaslight"

And here we are today. The term gaslighting is so commonplace now, it is scary. But let’s look at it in more detail. This is what an online article in Psychology Today that was posted on January 22, 2017, says about people who gaslight:

1. They tell blatant lies,
2. They deny they ever said something, although you have proof,
3. They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition,
4. They wear you down over time,
5. Their actions do not match their words,
6. They throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you,
7. They know confusion weakens people,
8. They project,
9. They try to align people against you,
10. They tell others that you are crazy, and
11. They tell you everyone else is a liar.

That is a lot to digest isn’t it?  It is usually something one person does to another, but I have a feeling we have reached a point where one person can do this to a nation.  Scary, in particular since we just witnessed the use of the majority of these bullets after the meeting of our president with the president of Russia. Truthfully, it is not the first time I have felt gaslighted in the current political climate. For example, terms like fake news and fake press fit in bullets 4, 7, 8, 9 10, and 11.

Some additional observation about gaslighting, (I borrowed the bullets and some of the discussion from this article):

1. Gaslighting does not necessarily has to be deliberate. We see this all the time. For example, when an African American person (read male) was killed by a police man. In the past nobody seemed to care, except his family of course. He was either armed, on drugs, had a record, was deranged, reached for a gun; and society blindly accepted it. We were gaslighted by stereotype. It was the killing of Trayvon Martin and the Black Lives Matter Movement that changed this or at least is trying to change it. It is about time that we are wondering and fighting this apathy when it comes to all those police killing (yes some might have been justified, but a lot of them were not).  The problem is that we are now experiencing push back from people who have been thoroughly gaslighted.  However, remember, as we saw in the Psychology Today list; gaslighting is most often done deliberately. 
2. Gaslighting aims to changes a person character, the trust in them self and experience of reality; while simple manipulation just only changes self-esteem. Scary isn’t it? I am sorry, but you have to look at some of the most recent political rallies and the vicious attacks on what they call the “fake press” or the killing in Charlottesville to see how the character of a group of people has been changed by a gaslighter. 
3. Gaslighting does not always involve anger or intimidation; it can be and often is much subtler. It seems that some gaslighters will shower their victims with special attention but never give them all the attention they need. In bullet 6 of the Psychology Today article the describe it as keeping the victim off-kilter. Other gaslighters will act like they are the victim. Whatever is their modus operando, gaslighters are able to change their victim’s memory, perception of reality and truth (bullets 2, 4, 5 and 7 from above). 
4. It is normal to forget things and gaslighters can easily manipulate your memory. This is what I teach in my classes; I tell my students to “document, document, document.” I tell them I don’t remember what I had for dinner two or three days ago. 
5. There may be three (3) stages to the gaslighting process: 
• You know they are ridiculous, 
• You consider their view, and then 
• You consider their view as normal and lose your ability to make your own judgement.
• Boy, this gets interesting these politically charged days. There was a tweet from our President the other day, telling the attorney general to stop the Russia investigation. This is a direct order and any jury would consider this obstruction of justice. In the past we all thought his tweets were ridiculous, his allies then considered his views, and now his allies don’t even question what he tweeted or even defend him. This is a pure case of gaslighting in my eyes.
• Now I just learned that he told a rally that Putin did not want him to win, while during the press conference Putin said he did (bullets 1 and 2; the first two steps in the process of gaslighting us on a new item or lie isn't it?).
6. Concluding, gaslighters do not give a crap about you, they do not see you. Gaslighters are pure narcissists. 

So what do we do about being gaslighted on a personal level or as a nation?  On a personal level it seems that you don’t win by confrontation; however, you win by ignoring a gaslighter.  Naturally, you need to be strong enough not to be influenced by that person, or not allow him or her to influence you.  

I enjoy watching Morning Joe in MSNBC in the morning  (that is when I have the time).  However, I wonder if Joe and Mika have the right approach.   Naturally they partially sell entertainment, but they desperately try to get under the president's skin.  I wonder what would happen of they completely ignore him for a week and not mention him?  I wonder what would happen if we would do that as a country?  If all the reporters and news networks would not cover him for a week, would he self-destruct?  That would be one way of allowing him not to gaslight us, even only for a week.